I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
