i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
