I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Randomize
