I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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