I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
