We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
