Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
