Me. At least after what I've been through.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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