It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
