Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
