Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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