I accidentally burped into my bong.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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