Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
