He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
