On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
