my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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