that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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