Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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