The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
