I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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