Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
