I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
