come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
