she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
