I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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