Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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