Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This house was built for laser tag.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
