My pussy is not your playground.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
