Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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