I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
