the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
