I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
