Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
