I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
