is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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