You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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