Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
