The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
