: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
