i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
