i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
