I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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