Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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