I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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