we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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