When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So vagazzling was a success
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize