I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
