i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
