I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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