I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm sobbing to NWA
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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