I'm really into asian looking animals
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
