He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
