i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
