All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
