At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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