she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
