Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
