yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
